Essay writing service saved my GPA but at what cost?

I need to be honest with someone because I can't tell my friends and definitely can't tell my parents. Last semester I hit a wall. Hard. Three papers due in the same week, a part-time job that was killing me, and a breakup that left me basically non-functional. I was staring at a 20-page research paper with a blank document and a blinking cursor and I just... couldn't.

I found an essay writing service at 3am in a moment of pure desperation. Paid way too much money. Felt sick about it. Kept checking my email every five seconds panicking that I'd get scammed. The paper showed up two days later. I submitted it. Got an A-. Didn't get caught. Didn't even get questioned.

And I felt TERRIBLE. Like genuinely awful for weeks. Not because of some academic integrity lecture (though those are valid) but because I knew I'd cheated myself out of learning something. That paper was on a topic I actually care about. I could have written something good. I just didn't have the emotional energy.

Here's where it gets complicated though. That A- kept my GPA high enough to keep my scholarship. Without that scholarship, I literally cannot afford to be in school. So did using that essay writing service save my education or compromise it? I genuinely don't know anymore.

I'm not here to judge anyone who's done the same thing. Desperation makes you do weird stuff. But I also think we should talk about WHY so many of us feel pushed to this point. The pressure is insane. Something's broken.

Anyway. Just needed to put this somewhere. If you've been there, I see you.

I'm also on a scholarship that requires a certain GPA. The terror of losing it is REAL. Like, soul-crushing, can't-sleep, constant-anxiety real.

So I get it. I really do. When the choice is between "cheat" and "drop out," the system has already failed you. No one should have to make that choice.

But here's the thing: you're not celebrating the A-. You're sitting with the guilt. That means you have integrity. You're not a cheater; you're someone who got cornered.

Maybe the way forward is to use this experience to advocate for change? Talk to your professors about workload? Join a student group pushing for better mental health support? Turn the guilt into something productive.

You're not a bad person, William. You're just tired.